Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

this is not adult and not sick, but maybe still someone will like it:

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple

days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard

some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,

listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,

being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,

And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the

Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned

on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the

cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

whats the defintion of trust?

2 cannibals doing 69

What's LXIX?

69, the hard way.

18++
<LC55> hey sexy ;D

<Amanda1993> hi

<LC55> asl?

<Amanda1993> 14 f co
<Amanda1993> u?

<LC55> 34 m ky

<Amanda1993> oh you're older

<LC55> is that ok?

<Amanda1993> my mom said im not supposed to..

<LC55> it can be our secret

<Amanda1993> you sure she won't know?

<LC55> absolutley babe
<LC55> what do you look like? have any pics?

<Amanda1993> im kinda short, have a ponytail, blue eyes, blond hair

<LC55> sounds pretty
<LC55> have you ever been with a boy before?

<Amanda1993> like with him how?

<LC55> like kissing or hugging or touching or

<Amanda1993> well i've kissed a boy before

<LC55> would you let me kiss you?

<Amanda1993> maybe

<LC55> would you let me touch you?

<Amanda1993> touch what part of me?

<LC55> all of you baby

<Amanda1993> oh
<Amanda1993> i've never done anything like that

<LC55> have you ever seen a man's dick?

<Amanda1993> no

<LC55> do you want to?

<Amanda1993> i don't know, is it gross?

<LC55> not gross at all, it'll make you feel real good

<Amanda1993> you sure?

<LC55> if i was there right now what would you want to do to me?

<Amanda1993> i don't know, i might kiss you if your cute

<LC55> wanna know what i'd do to you

<Amanda1993> would i like it?

<LC55> you'd love it

<Amanda1993> uh ok

<LC55> i'd slide my dick in your pussy really slow then play with your little titties while i fuck you

<Amanda1993> wut?

<LC55> do you know what a blowjob is?

<Amanda1993> that's when you kiss their penis right?

<LC55> it's when you suck the penis and lick it in your mouth
<LC55> would you give me a blowjob?

<Amanda1993> that sounds gross.
<Amanda1993> you want me to suck your dick?

<LC55> yeah baby!

<Amanda1993> Your IP address has been logged by the Chil Internet Service Protection Agency. Please wait while memory ref "851255151" is entered into the database.
<Amanda1993> NOTICE TO CHATTER: The Federal Bureau of Investigation has logged a record of this chat along with the IP addresses of the participants due to potential violation of U.S law. If you think this chat session was logged in error, please call your local F.B.I office and quote the reference number #851255151. VIOLATION: Solicitation of a minor.

<LC55> what?!
<LC55> oh please don't, i was kidding

<Amanda1993> i am afraid that is not an option, solicitation of minor is a serious offence.

<LC55> when my wife finds out, my life is over, please for the love of god
<LC55> she was fucking asking for it!

<Amanda1993> We have the conversation on record, there is nothing more that can be done, you can appeal to your local FBI office
i<Amanda1993> Is there anything you'd like to say now that you're a registered paedophile?

***LC55 is no longer on the server***

<Amanda1993> EPIC WIN!

***LC55 is no longer on the server***

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
- Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
- Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
- Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
- Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
- Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
- Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
- After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there...


MALE GEOGRAPHY (sorry boyz)

- Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe: ruled by a dick...

Ohh I havent written here since weeks!

-Waiter,taste the sup!

-Whats wrong with the sup,sir?

-I said taste it!

-But whats wrong with the sup??

-I aint gona say it again...taste it!

-Okay,okay...but wheres the spoon?

-See?

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

One afternoon a lawyer was driving his large Cadillac down a country lane in Kentucky when he saw two men along the roadside eating the scrubby grass. Puzzled, he stopped to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating that grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man the lawyer said, "You come with us, as well."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, replied, "Thank you, sir, but I also have a wife and four children with me."

"Bring them all." the lawyer answered.

Though it a tight squeeze, they all managed to get in the car and so the lawyer set off home. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

”I’m just glad to do it, and you will really like my place.” the lawyer replied, "The grass is almost a foot high.”

Behauptung:

Eine Katze hat neun Schwänze!

Beweis:

Keine Katze hat acht Schwänze.
Eine Katze hat einen Schwanz mehr als keine Katze.
Deshalb hat eine Katze neun Schwänze.

lefordítani lehetetlen, de aki tud elég jól angolul, az megérti... de hozzátenném, hogy ő sem nyerte meg szerintem a kutyus szívét

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?" "Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it"s hopeless. That"s just as dumb as the Lab"s sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

I do not know a word in English

I was learn the Germany.

Zwei Männer sind zu Fuß in der Wüste unterwegs, als sie plötzlich einem Löwen gegenüberstehen.

Da fasst der eine Mann in seinen Rucksack, holt ein Paar Turnschuhe heraus und beginnt, diese anzuziehen.

Sagt der andere Mann zu ihm:
"Bist Du naiv! Glaubst Du wirklich, Du könntest wegen der Turnschuhe schneller laufen als der Löwe?"

Entgegnet der andere:
"Ich muß ja nur schneller laufen als Du...

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

a wolf springs at my ass, rebounded and peed

Blonde rushes into policestation shouting "I've been graped, I've been graped!"
A policeman said, "Don't you mean raped?"
Blonde replied, "Noooo, there were a bunch of them"

Fragt der Deutschlehrer seine Schüler: "Wer kann mir sagen, ob es der Monitor, oder das Monitor heißt?"
Antwortet Fritzchen: "Wenn Moni ein Tor schießt, dann heißt es DAS Monitor."

-I'm looking for the cold computer.

-You can trying the windows?