Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

Q: Why was the computer so cold?

A: Because it forgot to shut its window

Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?"
Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say."
Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!"
Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."

Volna. vOlt eg lő. áZ a lŐ-t Ú neveztu gazduju:_ kö..

>Gyíkö_. Gyíkö_.

"Wir spielen in der Schule das Märchenstück ' Die Schöne und das Monster'.Ich habe die Hauptrolle. -erzählt Jutta auf dem Sportplatz. - So? Das ist ja interessant. Und wer spielt die Schöne?- fragt ein Junge.

Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite,
I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother,
and said, 'Here, try these on.'

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any
problems."

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a
good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and
said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.
They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Flow Chart For Men (pps) 18+

Having shot a moose two Antartians began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

"Sure!" the hunters agreed.

"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."

"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"

"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"

Hanna und Stefan waren den ganzen Tag zusammen. Plötzlich meint Stefan:

- Jetzt haben wir die ganze Zeit nur von mir geredet. Nun wird es aber Zeit, dqas du mal drankommst! Sag, wie gefällt dir mein neues Hemd?

-Hast du Tom gesagt, das ich blöd bin?

-Nein, das hat er schon vorher gewusst.

Men who say - 'A dog is man's best friend' ........... have obviously never played with a pussy!

Az angol könyvünkben van:

- Good morning, Doctor.

- Hello. What's your name?

- John Stevens.

-Nice to meet you, John. How are you?

-Very well, thank you.

-You're OK? Good! Well goodbye John.

Gimnáziumi osztályomban történt az eset.

Új, fiatal angoltanárnőt kaptunk, aki a kiejtéssel elég hadilábon állt. Például a "th" hangot sose találta el, mindig jó kemény magyaros "T"-nek ejtette. Mivel előzőleg nagyon szigorú, de jó tanárnőnk volt, akivel haladni is lehetett, érthető, hogy az új tanárnővel nagyon untuk az órákat. Így idővel egyre kevesebbet figyeltünk, és egyre többet beszélgettünk, zajongtunk. Namármost tudni kell, hogy Erdélyben az osztályozás 1-től 10-ig van, 4-essel még megbukik az ember. Így az annál kisebb jegyeket (pl. a jelen történetben szereplő 3-ast) nagyjából büntetésből szokták osztogatni.

Egyszer a tanárnő kijött a sodrásból, és felkiáltott:

- Silence! I vill give you a tree!

Egyik osztálytársam erre visszakérdezett:

- A Christmas tree?

Eredménye akkora röhögés lett, hogy az órát nem lehetett folyatni.

Worst first date story
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon..

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car



They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.



Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this, pass it on.

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the "farmer's daughter" asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”

“That fellow traveling through,” said the farmer, “needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”

The daughter brought him food out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. “How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried. “We made such passionate love last night!”

“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, “I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!”

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out ...

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

I had 8 bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my fiance to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else...
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were 8, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally Ihad all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.
I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will
But after telling Pappy this
He said, "there's trouble still."
You can't marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell yo' Mother
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother
But Mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
Brings a tear to your eyes don't it?

Girl I can't find my dog. I think he's lost.

Boy Put an advertisement in the newspaper.

Girl Don't be stupid. He can't read!