Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the 
steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his 
trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a 
Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.
"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've 
got my hands full."
"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs."
"Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!"
"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir."
"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for 
Hillary."
The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade."

Hark!I hear a white horse coming.

Do not feed the animals.They are dead.

Two goldfish were swimming around and around in a glass bowl.One announced crankily that he had become an atheist."Fine,fine,"scoffed the other,"Now just explain to me who changes the water in this bowl!"

My nose bleeds for you.

And so we plough along,as the fly said to the ox.

Never buy anything with a handle on it.It means work.

The Earl of Oxford,making his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth,happened to let a fart,at wich he was so abashed and ashamed,that he went to travel,7 years.On his return the Queen welcomed him home,and said:"My Lord,we have already forgot the fart."

Well,if I called the wrong number,why did you answer the phone??

Hardware is the bit you can kick.

A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee , and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."

After break time at the school, the children went back to their class.

The teacher asked from a little boy:

-What were you doing during the break?

-I was playing in the sandpit.

-Very well. If you can spell sandpit, you can go home earlier.

-S-A-N-D-P-I-T.

-Great! You can go home now.

The teacher turned to another child an she asked her:

-What were you doing during the break?

-I was playing in the sandpit.

-Very well. If you can spell sandpit, you can go home earlier.

-S-A-N-D-P-I-T.

-Excellent! You can go home now.

Finally, the teacher turned to a black boy.

-What were you doing during the break?

-I was watching the others playing in the sandpit.

-Why didn't you join them?

-Because they didn't let me!

-Well thats racial discrimination. If you can spell racial discrimination, you can go home earlier today!

na lécci ezt forditsátok le...az angolokat eléggé jól értem de a németek...

Ha már idegen nyelvű viccek, a németesek kedvéért íme egy kis deutsche Humor

George Bush ruft Gerhard Schröder an.

"Gerhard, Du mußt uns helfen! Die größte Kondom-Fabrik der USA ist letzte Nacht abgebrannt! Wir brauchen dringend 1.000.000 Kondome, kannst Du uns damit aushelfen?"

"Sicher!" antwortet Schröder. "Das dürfte kein Problem sein..."

"Die Kondome müssen aber in den amerikanischen Nationalfarben rot, blau und weiß geliefert werden. Außerdem müßten sie mindestens 30 Zentimeter lang sein und einen Durchmesser von mindestens 6 Zentimetern haben! sagt Bush."

"Wenn's weiter nichts ist... Ich kümmere mich darum!" entgegnet Schröder.

Daraufhin ruft Schröder den Chef der größten deutschen Kondomfabrik an:
"Wir müssen dem Amis mit 1.000.000 Kondomen aushelfen! Ist das machbar?"

"Natürlich!" antwortet der Kondom-Fabrikant. "Irgendwelche besonderen Wünsche?"

"Ja. Die Kondome sollen rot, blau und weiß sein, außerdem mindestens 30 Zentimeter lang und mindestens 6 Zentimeter im Durchmesser."

"Alles klar. Sonst noch was?"

"Ja" sagt Schröder. "Tun Sie mir einen Gefallen und bedrucken Sie die Kondome mit MADE IN GERMANY Size: SMALL"

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human Beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss" and before he could say "Shitt," the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher wet her pants laughing.

persze,így is lehet érteni,attól függ,hogy milyen napunk van

Egy aranyos kis karácsonyi dal a Jingle Bells mintájára


Dashing through the sand
with a bomb strapped to my back.
I have a nasty plan
for Christmas in Iraq.
I got through checkpoint A,
but not through checkpoint B.
That's when I got shot in the ass
by the US Military...



Oooh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs
Mine blew up you see.
Where are all the virgins
that Bin Laden promised me?
Oooh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs
U.S. soldiers shot me dead.
The only thing that I have left
is this towel up on my head.

I used to be a man,
but every time I cough,
thanks to Uncle Sam,
my nuts keep falling off.
My bombing days are done.
I need to find some work.
Perhaps it would be much safer
as a convenient store night clerk.

Oooh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs
I think I got screwed.
Don't laugh at me because I'm dead
or I'll kill you...

I KILL YOUOUOU!
/Achmed the dead terrorist/

Fordítható, szóval ha valaki késztetést érez...

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer replied.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" asked the Leprechaun.

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And with that, the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun said to himself. 'I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want; a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answered. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" the little guy asked.

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer stated. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out €100 notes I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" asked the Leprechaun.

The golfer blushed, turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looked around, then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" exclaimed the Leprechaun in shock and disbelief. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," replied the golfer, "I believe that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

ÁÁÁÁÁÁ rég röhögtem ennyit! : Marha jók.. KEGYETLEN! Ahogy a haverom mondaná: büntet!

Óriásikat kacagtam ezeken..... AWESOME! More please, more!

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5.. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?