Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

Teacher John, give me a sentece beginning whit 'I'.

John I is the...

Teacher No, john. You must say 'I am', not I is.

John All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The frist step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.

Chris came back first and said to the king. " I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

Then John arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therfore he was also killed.

After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, " Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!"

Chris replied, " I know, I couldn't help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons!"

Will I Get Kicked Out Of The Church?

A man goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father, I have sinned"

The Priest replies "My son, tell me about it".

"Father, My wife was bent over the freezer, she was wearing a mini skirt, and I couldn't help but see that she had no underwear on. I was unable to control myself, so i lifted her mini skirt, and made love to her from behind, over the freezer"

The Priest assured the man that no sin had been committed, as it was a natural act to make love to his wife.

"You mean I won't get kicked out of the church?" asked the man

"No!, Why?" asked the Priest

"I got kicked out of Tesco's"

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two hookers and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf gets his woman upstairs, but is soon disappointed, however, because he is too nervous to perform. Worse yet, his depression is increased by the fact that, from the next room, he hears loud cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UGGHHH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first answered, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing... I couldn't even get up on to the bed!"

A caller dial the operator: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?
The operator says: I'm sorry, sir, I do not understand.
The caller continues: on page 1 section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. Now, can you give the number for Jack?

Anna had lost her husband four years ago. Her daughter was constantly telling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."

Well, it was a hit ! The couple took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, they undressed together. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body you can explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit- but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Pat and Mick have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Mick he is dismissed. Why? asks Mick. Well, said the boss. Pat has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5. Mick looks rather perplex, and says: "but look how far he has left them sticking out".

Believe it or not ,
These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same t hing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out..
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police

Nem kicsit ciki.

I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably
relate to their father)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh
bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our
backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again
for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard. I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.
With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only
I did it on my tongue..
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard
Poupon.''

Nationality of Jesus

There were 3 good arguments
that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin
and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments
that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But there is also a good argument
that Jesus was a Muslim

1. Because "Muslim" means someone who submits to God,
and since they believe Jesus did,
then he's a Muslim

But the most compelling evidence of all -
3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an

AMEN!!

A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.

A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, too late.

Világgá mentem...

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left



Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'f**k' , the Rottweiler ate him!"

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You can be the man of your house."

He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "from now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you

are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I

want. Afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands and tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?


The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady
put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week.."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly,
"In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."