Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek
Menü:
Bejelentkezés
Partnerek
Kategóriák
Fórum témáim
Vicclap fórum
2009. november 4 16:36:47
Dude #1: hey dude, what does JFGI mean?
Dude #2: Just Fucking Google it yo.
Dude #1: I tried but i couldn't find anything.
Dude #2: JUST FUCKING GOOGLE IT!
Dude #1: bro. i already tried that. don't be mean.
Dude #2: bro, your an idiot.
2009. november 4 12:09:13
Three words to ruin a man's ego...
"Is it in?"
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What is the lightest thing in the world?
A penis...even a thought can raise it.
2009. november 4 11:16:17
Girls are just like ice cubes;
The more you rub, the wetter they get.
2009. november 3 22:20:13
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
2009. november 3 22:05:12
18+
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Bit of both, this is a rape.
I was about 14-years-old when my dad caught me drinking.
I said, "Dad, honest it's the first time."
"That's a lie" he replied, "No one ever gets caught at doing anything the first time."
So later that night, I went out and raped someone.
I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive."
Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"
Wiped the smug look off her face.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
2009. november 3 12:37:08
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately
asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
It's one of my favourite jokes. 
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No,"
she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He
answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........ so does she.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The
husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
"Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So
she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS".
Like it very much!2009. november 2 21:05:27
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood... 
2009. november 2 15:20:55
2009. november 1 18:39:05
The following note really exists(check the date,thats why da language is a bit old-fashioned
):
"The Earl of Oxford,making his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth,happened to let a Fart,at which he was so abashed and ashamed,that he went to Travell,7 years.On his return,the Queen welcomed him and say'd: My Lord,we have forgott the Fart.
/John Aubrey,1667/
2009. november 1 18:38:09
Q. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
A. It's pasture bed time (past your)
2009. november 1 15:26:32
A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
2009. november 1 14:28:38
Just for fun....
Q. Why do only 10% of women go to
heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.
2009. november 1 14:15:37
2009. október 31 14:51:40
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tuding very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
********************************************************************
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad.
2009. október 31 14:00:23
Just for Teve.
I also have some....
18+++++++++++++++
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in
common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the
Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
sweet jesus...guys,do you know how this topic started? it started with lil innocent "szóvicc"-s and where did we get?? so?? yep,ur right:to big pervert "szóvicc"-s. butt..ammm who said thats a problem?
2009. október 30 11:06:45
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope," replied Jimmy.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?"
Again Jimmy says, "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night
when they were shagging. Dad gave me a right bollocking, but then
apologized by giving me this watch."
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea and hatched a plan
to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents'
bedroom until he heard the mattress springs. Just then, he swung the
door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid-stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Get yourself a chair, but keep quiet."
2009. október 30 11:03:35
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
2009. október 29 21:04:23
Sitzen 100.000 Ameisen auf einem Elefanten.
Der Elefant schüttelt sich und 50.000 Ameisen fallen runter.
Er schüttelt sich nocheinmal und 49.999 Ameisen fallen runter.
Rufen die 99.999 Ameisenam Boden: "Los Hugo, würg ihn!
2009. október 29 20:57:09
Ein Angestellter in einer sehr großen Firma nimmt das Telefon, wählt und sagt: "Mein Schatz, heb deinen süßen kleinen Arsch hoch und bring mir einen Kaffee und ein Gipfeli und beeil dich!"
Es antwortet eine sehr männliche, tiefe Stimme: "He, du Vollidiot, du hast dich verwählt! Weisst du überhaupt mit wem du redest? Mit dem Geschäftsführer, du Penner!"
Darauf der Angestellte: "Und du Arschloch, weisst du mit wem du redest?"
Antwortet der Geschäftsführer: "Nein!"
Sagt der Angestellte: "Boah, Glück gehabt", und legt schnell auf.
2009. október 29 20:29:27
sorry, but i cannot resist... 
18+++
Giving a girl a penis is like giving a baby a toy.
They'll play with it for a little while, then eventually it will end up in their mouth.
