Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

heyheyy ppl listen up:

The old ascetic man who thought that fighting against sexuality is the mission of his life,never had ANY relations with women.Once he died.His young apprentice couldnt take it,and he died too.He went up to heaven,and met hes old tutor.He was taken aback,cuz the tutor was having sex there with two beautiful women.The apprentice said happily:

-Oh,my wise teacher!So this is your gift for your pure life??Thats just wonderful!

-Gift?A hell it is.Its the punishment of these women.

...én se sokat tudok angolul, de ha jól értettem ez egy egyszerű ismert poénka... (ne hari NevemTeve ez csak a viccnek szól)

The devil challenges God to a football match, Heaven v Hell.
God says "We'll win hands down; all the greatest players who ever lived are up here."
The devil replies "But I've got all the referees and linesmen."

Three Little Pigs (Latest version)

How things have changed!!
The Big Bad Wolf said,
I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!
The three little pigs said,
F**k off or we'll sneeze on you!

Azt erősen lehetne vitatni ki a szőkébb közülünk... Akkor már magyarázzátok meg nekem, lécci hol van a szivárvány...mert a szivárványszínű olajfolt akkor is olajfolt, nem pedig szivárvány.
Akárhogy is nézem, ettől bénább "viccet" régen láttam

I managed to change the oil in my car just before a heavy downfall.
About an hour later the Girlfriend came rushing in.
''Quick!'' she squealed. ''Quick, come and have a look. A dead rainbow!''

szoban jobb, de ide csak irasban tudom:

why is 6 afraid of 7?

´cause 7 8(ate) 9

My girlfriend left me last week, she said I was too passive and I didn't stick up for myself enough.
I can't argue with that.

My younger brother's an example of what can happen to people who get involved with drugs...
A porsche and his own house by the age of 20.

When I was a teenager, my parents frequently talked to me about drinking and driving.
They sometimes bragged about drugs as well.

The definition of irony
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words.

As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
' I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes.'

Me and my wife have different ways to discipline our kids. She threatens them by saying, "Just wait until your father gets home."
I say, "Just wait until your mother goes out."

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential."

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

A tactical wife is one who makes sure she spends so much on herself that her husband can't afford another woman.

Men who are bald at front of their heads are good thinkers. Men who are bald at the back of their heads are good lovers. Men who are bald at front and back think they are good lovers.

A young bride tells her friend, “Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”
“ What a shame! And after all the time you’ve been engaged!”

I love my job in the insane asylum...

The women are so easy to rape with their straight jackets on, and nobody believes them when they try to tell.

16+

Harry Potter chat-up lines:

Could I get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets?

Engorgio! Oh wait I don't need magic to enlarge this!

I wanna be your Dumblewhore.

Let's go deep into your Forbidden Forest.

Baby I'm tighter than Gringott's security and I'd love to take you down and show you the vaults.

Hey baby, I may be a Gryffindor, but something in my pants is a Slytherin.

Get your cloak, you've pulled.

Looked in the Mirror of Erised and saw you baby. Then I went to the Room of Requirement and it was full of tissues.

Wanna learn to speak troll? I'll get you grunting in no time.

Before me and my last girlfriend used to go up there, the Shrieking Shack was just called the Shack.

ez volt mar vajon? Valahol valamikor korabban is olvastam, de nem emlekszem, hogy itt volt-e...

It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Breast size is a lot like Coke and Pepsi. Men have a preference,but will take whatever's on tap. As long as it's not flat.

An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face.

"I'm English..." Said the Englishman.

The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..."

The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..."

"Paddy..." Replies the Irishman.

"Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest.

The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies,

"Sagittarius..."

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and it found over 15,000 matches.

>An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
>"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so
>you will always remember me."
>"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex
>watch instead."
>
>"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have
>a
>beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
>Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another
>man. "Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, Times Up?"

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "But this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Mi a jó controlling osztály mottója?
- In God we trust. All others will be monitored...

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."