Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

A Chinese couple get married ... and she's a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darling, I know this is your first time, and you are frightened. I assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you want?"

"I want number 69" she replies.

"You want beef with broccoli?"

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound testicles, TurnerBrown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 lbs, I have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'!!

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you ' d lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren ' t so ugly it would lift itself

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...
she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a
woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know
what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain
consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me!
Especially when they say things like...
'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......
Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name and my keys,
but I have never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day!

Branding Nightmare

18+

On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

Why doesn't Jesus like to eat M&Ms?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Now there is a question you do not get too often....... A woman is at home when she hears someone Knock at the door. She goes to the door & opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" she slams the door in disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door it is the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?" she slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving & concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guys shows up again!" The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a Whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door & listen & if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to his question because I want to see where he is going with it" She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes" she says... The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?".....

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tripe out of the lawyer and says
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

An English Professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing"
All the females in the class wrote: "A Woman: without her, man is nothing."

An Old Iowa farmer went to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said,"That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go Chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well don't worry about it,"said Marge.
"At our age we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too,"said Mildred, "But this one is eatin' my popcorn!"

Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.
Sam: Well, at least you could try.

nekem8, jóóók

Two convicts were sitting on their cot in a jail cell. One says to the other, "I hear you’re getting out in a few days. Tell me something are you going straight, or are you going back into politics?"

What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food!

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

Why God never got a PhD?

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

A Couple of Nuts

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside he cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike."