Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

2017. június 29.
Ma Péter, Pál névnapja van.

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Vicclap fórum >> Idegen nyelvű viccek


2013. április 5 15:28:16

#1088
Méjdenboj

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.02.25
Üzeneteinek száma: 10619

It was Christmas time and this woman invited all her family to her house to eat. So they gathered around the table and she asked her son to pray. He said:
- But I do not know what to say. She said:
- Say what I said this morning. So he said:
- Dear god, why did I invite all these people to my house?

2013. február 14 23:04:05

#1087
Falurossza

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2009.03.04
Üzeneteinek száma: 547

A guy in a bar asks the girl next to him:
-Can I buy you a drink?
-No, thank you, alcohol is not good for my legs..
-Why,they swell??
-No, they spread...

2013. január 16 18:53:32

#1084
Nebo

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2008.07.23
Üzeneteinek száma: 781

A German guy is visiting France. One day when he's driving around Paris, a policeman pulls him over and asks some routine questions:- Where are you from?
- Germany.
- Sex?
- Male.
- Occupation?
The German answers with a smile on his face:
- No, no. Just visiting.

one of the best i've read in a year Smiley

2013. január 17 16:40:37

Ouch. xD

2013. január 17 11:04:23

2013. január 15 22:16:57

#1082
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
--------------------

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

------------


An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

2013. január 16 00:21:15

2012. április 5 12:14:34

#1081
NevemTeve

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.04.21
Üzeneteinek száma: 6510

My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn.

I told her, I love my car but I still watch Formula 1 too.

She was happy with this analogy - I just never mentioned I also go to Hertz for the occasional rental.

2011. december 11 09:14:35

#1080
Val

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.08.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 1319

- What is a spectral dragon?

- The Fourier transform of a regular dragon.

2011. december 8 07:56:10

#1078
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

One friend to another, “My new horse is very well-mannered.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yes, isn’t it? Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!”



Smiley

2011. december 9 15:41:11

2011. december 7 07:34:27

#1077
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

While attending a Marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man, “can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it?”

2011. november 23 01:04:47

#1076
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”



2011. november 15 06:22:51

#1075
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

2011. november 6 17:45:10

#1074
Canonicus

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2006.08.27
Üzeneteinek száma: 19

Do you smoke after intercourse?

Well, I never wached...

2011. október 18 16:56:05

#1072
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?

A: Nacho cheese!

2011. október 2 16:22:13

#1070
nekem8

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.09.09
Üzeneteinek száma: 3281

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

great

2011. október 2 16:53:06

2011. augusztus 3 21:51:31

#1068
cin99

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2009.07.03
Üzeneteinek száma: 598

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?

Signed...
Concerned Golfer

SmileySmileySmileySmiley

2011. október 18 17:02:01

2011. augusztus 3 17:26:58

#1063
cin99

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2009.07.03
Üzeneteinek száma: 598

anektoda Eötvös Józsefről és egy angolról.
sziutáció: Eötvös Angliából jön haza a Pas de Calaison (a keskeny szoroson, ami elválasztja Angliát Franciaországtól, a hajók Calaisba mennek)
Eötvös: La France est sublime!
angol: Du sublime au ridicule il n'y a qu'un pas!
Eötvös: Le Pas de Calais, monsieur!
állítólag az angol azonnal párbajra hívta XD
van olyan verziója is hogy angliát élteti, és egy francia van a hajón.
(sublime=fenséges, ridicule=nevetséges (harry potter ridiculus=comiculissimus!), pas=lépés)
nem tudok franciául, de értem

2011. július 31 15:36:20

#1058
NevemTeve

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.04.21
Üzeneteinek száma: 6510

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

2011. július 31 14:37:53

#1057
NevemTeve

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.04.21
Üzeneteinek száma: 6510

18+

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

2011. július 22 16:25:51

#1054
NevemTeve

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.04.21
Üzeneteinek száma: 6510

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

2011. július 22 16:11:34

#1053
NevemTeve

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2007.04.21
Üzeneteinek száma: 6510

(an evil 18+)

After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."

"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.

I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."

:)

2011. július 31 14:37:01

:) It's a butcher.

2011. július 23 10:51:04

2011. július 9 11:19:16

#1052
Canonicus

Csatlakozás időpontja: 2006.08.27
Üzeneteinek száma: 19

An airplane is going to crash. The pilot says:

“Ladies and gentlemen! Our plane is too heavy. The only way to save it that people are going to jump out to make it lighter. Not to be charged with discrimination we are calling people in alphabetical order to jump. First we ask the Afro-Americans to go…”

Nobody moves. The captain says:

“Now the brown-skinned people!”

Nobody moves. After a while a boy asks his father:

“Dad! We are Afro-Americans. We have brown skin. Why did not we go?”

Answer:

“Shut up son, we are niggers now, let the Chinese go first!!!”

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