An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened.

His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state.

But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.

The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in.

This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"


"I regret I cannot", lamented the first. "It is permanently stuck in my butt"

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

Halihó! Ha jársz ide viccet olvasni, írni, vagy csak rendszeres látogatója vagy az oldalnak, akkor szívesen látunk a fun klubbunkban! Ha úgy gondolod, szeretnél te is tag lenni, akkor kérlek csatlakozz kis közösségünkbe!

http://iwiw.hu/pages/community/comdata.jsp?cID=2335027

Real blonde

How to survive a shark attack

1. DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in.

2. LISTEN OUT FOR THE MUSIC
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3. SWIM WITH FAT PEOPLE
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Daddies Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4. DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life.

5. DON'T PANIC
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!

Paddy and Murphy stumble out of a pub at about 4:00 in the morning.
They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman.
Paddy pipes up, "A'scuse me, ossifer, but I wonder.... could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."
To which the policeman replies, "Of course it has. It's four o'clock in the mornin."
Murphy then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I be wonderin if the last bus to Galway has left yet."
The officer again replies, "Of course it has! It's four o'clock in the Bleedin mornin!"
Paddy then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet?"
The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's four in the Bloody a.m., and all the fookin' buses have gone!"
And with that Paddy turns to his friend and says.......
....... "Okay, Murphy, we can cross the road now."

It's Career Day at school and the teacher is having the students stand up, state their parents' occupation, and then spell it.
Davie stands up and says, "My dad's a doctor. And that's D O C T O R. Doctor."
"Very good," the teacher says to Davie. "Mike?"
Mike stands up. "My mum's a lawyer. L A W Y E R. Lawyer."
"Excellent. Bruce?"
Bruce gets up and says, "Uhh, my daddy, he be one of dem 'sheet metal workers. Dat's S H I . . . “
"Ummm, no, Bruce," the teacher corrects, "That's not the way you spell it. Try it again."
"Uhhh, 'Sheet Metal Worker.' S H I . . . “
"Tell you what, Bruce, why don't you go up to the board and spell it out up there. Little Kevin, your turn."
Little Kevin watches Bruce shuffle off to the blackboard. ...
"Well, my dad's a bookie and I can't spell that, But I can give you two to one odds that Bruce spells 'shit' when he gets up to the blackboard."

Stevie Wonder on his sell out tour of Japan - last stop Tokyo.
He's just finished playing his seventies classic Sir Duke.

The crowd is still going wild when a young man at the front says: "You, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord. Play a Jazz chord."
So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.

The Japanese lad says: "No, Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord". So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment.
When he's finished the lad shouts: "No, Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord".

By now Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done two for you," he says to the fan.

"But it best song of Stevie Wonder, it very famous..." comes the reply.
"OK, well how does it go then?" enquires the blind musical genius.
The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:

....."A jazz chord ... to say ... a ruv you ...... a jazz chord ... to say how much a cared..."

18+
Jobs similar to making love

MAKING COFFEE

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. Then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip into the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently and give every inch of it your loving attention and make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
Yes, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriageway is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

Jól van, csak bepróbálkoztam, hátha akad még olyan őskövület, mint én, akinek kötelező volt annak idején az orosz.

Hoztam egy kicsit emészthetőbb nyelvűt.

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The1stkind of sex is called: Smurf Sex..* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The2ndkind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time,and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The3rdkind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex hasgotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The4thkind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long..When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ' screw you. '

The5thkind of sex is called: Religious Sex.* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The6thkind is called: Courtroom Sex.* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The7thkind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.But not enough to enjoy yourself.

Hogy ne csak angol legyen az idegen nyelv...

Спортивное приветствие "новых русских" - "Джип-джип-Ура!"

- Как могла Северная Корея, имея такую маленькую территорию, решиться на
  проведение у себя ядерных испытаний?
- В рамках программы по выведению нового вида гуманоидов -
  корейцы-мутанты ниндзя.

- Ты не знаешь, наш губернатор не любит охотиться с вертолета?
- Нет, не любит.
- Жаль...

Маленький мальчик нашёл пулемёт —Больше в деревне никто не живёт.

Why don't witches have children?
Because their husbands have Holloweenies

Q: What is better than eating a mandarin?
A: Eating Amanda out.

Q: What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

How do you know when a blonde has lost her virginity?
Her crayons are wet.

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.

A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!" and lets her in.

Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear.

"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"

The first guy says, "Yeah, and I'm f**king dis-custard."

The second guy says, "And I'm deep in dis-pear."

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A New Jersey man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk,sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt. Police suspect a cereal killer.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "But this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Bush bá megmondja a frankót (Texasi virtus )