Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

that hurts

18+

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. '
Actually, yes, I do.
''Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.
''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice
anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians and lawyers come from.'

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.

HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: In this box I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defence," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defence before detail.

A drunk guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi Babe, how about a date? He says. “Don’t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.”
“It seems we are both in luck. I’m far from perfect.”

An elderly couple is getting ready for bed. She says Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house." He says, “I’ll go get some." She says, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget." He says, “I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."
Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. "In it is a "HAM SANDWICH". She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."

------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

JÁÁÁJXD

ezek óriásiak

How do you eat DNA spaghetti?
With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)

Ha valaki esetleg késztetést érez a fordításra, tegye meg bátran.

1. Nigella's Way. Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way. Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for goodness sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

2. Nigella's Way. To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way. Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

3. Nigella's Way. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way. Spar sells cakes. They even do decorated versions.

4. Nigella's Way. If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way. If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough! Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how it tastes."

5. Nigella's Way. Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way. It could keep forever. Who eats it?

6. Nigella's Way. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it into 8 ounces of vodka : Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won't care!

7. Nigella's Way. If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way Why do I have a man?

8. Nigella's Way. Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way. Left over wine????... Helllloooo!

jó olvasó a vicclapon is tanul..

a vicc nagyon jó

18+
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

gradU segítségével:

The teacher asks the class:
- How many words can you name that start with 'su' but have a 'sh' sound?
- ??
- There is only one such word: sugar.
- This is the only one?
- Yes, it is.
- Sure.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children. 'You all
have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your daughter
Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's
name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name,
Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come
on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go
get dinner.'

Az egyik kedvencem:
18+

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again -
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come here today,
In nice white clothes to take me away!

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me --this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken"

I got to work today and was horrified to find a dead, semi-naked man lay across a table. Shaken by this discovery, I called the emergency services for assistance.
The operator calmly reminded me that I work in a funeral home, and politely asked I stop calling them every morning.