Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

Now I'm searching for idiot gifts for Christmas. There are on T-shirts, sorry, some of them are really geek.

$DO || ! $DO ; try
try: command not found (Do or do not. There is no try.)

while ( ! ( succeed = try() ) );  (Infinite loops do exist)

resistance is futile
(if < 1 ohm)

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

/* No Comment */

Go away or I will replace you with a very small shell script. (Suggested for the BOFH)

You read my T-shirt. That's enough social interaction for one day.

> SELECT finger FROM hand WHERE id=3

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who
don't.

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules. 'And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing
and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven. 'So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. 'The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. 'So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? 'The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted.'

Did you hear about the look-alike competition held in china? Everyone won.

---

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”

“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

---

Goofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.”

“Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”

A man walks into a restaurant and is shown to his seat by the hostess. The waiter approaches and asks, "Would you like to try our house special?” The man replies, "No, just bring me a steak, and make it lean". The waiter, somewhat puzzled, looks at him and replies, "which way?"

THIS is a link.

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

My daughter kept screaming, "Harder dad, faster" at the top of her voice. I tried to get her to shut up incase the neighbours heard her. That's the last time we sneak a shot of their kids swing.

My girlfriend of two years is getting cold feet.
One of the few disadvantages of necrophilia.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

There's a drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard theworld goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

18+

It's ironic that when a girl is saying "No" it's easier to get your cock in her mouth than when she's saying "Yes".

My mate told me he could make vodka out of cow faeces.
I think that's Absolut Bullshit.

How do you stop a feminist from talking?
Stick your cock in her mouth.

The earliest known use of Rohypnol is actually documented in the Bible. 'Virgin birth'. Yeah, right. (Rohypnol - a kind of date-rape-drog)

16+ Sorry, it's rasist and rude.

Today our boss asked us if we could eliminate one race what would it be.
Naturally, I said those dirty fucking black cunts.
But everyone else said the triathlon.

My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said
"You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
"Not particularly" I replied.

I've finished all the chocolates in my advent calendar; why the fuck isn't it Christmas?

Golfer's story

The Swede's wife stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.


The Swede immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."




Next, the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"


She replied, "I can't afford any on the little money you give me."

Patrick reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's a $20. Go out and buy yourself some underwear!"


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked.


"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"

She too explained, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd any."


The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.."

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Your loving wife.
XXX

Q: How do you say "Hello" in French?
A: I surrender!

Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France?
A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)

Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!

Q. How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
A. Don't know, it's never been tried.

Q. How do you introduce yourself in French?
A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. Their army.

Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armour on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac.

Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A: Gratitude.

Llega una chica a casa y le dice a su padre:.

- Papá, tengo dos noticias, una buena y otra mala.

- Dime la buena noticia primero.

- El airbag de tu coche funciona de maravilla...

---------------------------------

Aki nem tud spanyolul:

Hazamegy a gyerek, és mondja az apjának:

- Apu, van egy jó és egy rossz hírem.

- Mondd a jót először.

- A kocsid légzsákjai jól működnek....

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for
the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom
decided to play a trick.


She told my sister she needed something from the store.


When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back in
the oven.



When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of
the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.
When her serving spoon
hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.


With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this
horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay
eggs!



Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."

Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."

Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."