Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek
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2010. január 27 13:12:56
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
2010. január 27 08:19:38
2010. január 27 06:42:58
Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"
2010. január 27 06:31:21
A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a
busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, “May I please see
your permit?” I don’t have one,” confessed the musician. “In that case,
you’ll have to accompany me.”
“Splendid!” exclaimed the musician. “What shall we sing?”
2010. január 26 13:26:18
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.2010. január 26 13:24:32
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
(second part)
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."2010. január 26 12:02:41
Some of them are 18+
A lot of people say unprotected sex is better, which is why I always turn off my Anti Virus whilst watching porn
Give an Ethiopian a meal and you feed him for a day....
Give an Ethiopian an aircraft meal and you can feed him for the rest of his life.
My driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can't believe that he thinks Star Wars is real.
Three men sat at the breakfast table with their wives.
1st man: Could you pass me the sugar-sugar.
2nd man: Could you pass me the honey-honey.
3rd man: Could you pass me the milk- you fat cow.
Your girlfriend never remembers your birthday.
Every man has put aftershave on his balls.
Once.
I was driving my car this morning and when I looked in my mirror I saw a terrible accident behind me.
My son in the back seat.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?
Bisexual.
Immediately doubling your chances for a shag on Saturday night.
It's funny how people call orange juice O.J but nobody calls blackcurrant juice B.J.
I liked some of your jokes very much. Now here comes my last round of two-liners, and a special addition ;)
Q: Why is swiss cheese served at church?
A: Because it's holey.
Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: So they know which witch is which.
Q: How do you stop a herd os charging elephants?
A: Take away their credit cards.
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: Because it wasn't peeling very well.
Q: What do you call the king of tissues?
A: The handker-chief.
Q: How do trees get on the internet?
A: They log in.
Q: Why are pirates, pirates?
A: They just arrrgh!!!
Q: What do pirates use to keep their parrots on their shoulder?
A: Super Pollygrip.
Q: What do you call people who don't like Santa?
A: Claus-trophobic.
Q: What was the problem with the wooden car?
A: It wooden go.
Q: Did you read the joke about the jump rope?
A: No, I skipped it.
Q: What day of the week do chickens hate?
A: Fry-day.
... and now, for that special one. I don't know if it exists or not, I just thought of it the other day, and I think it's pretty good. It comes in form of a saying:
"Sometimes you got to give a head to get ahead."
2010. január 26 00:09:48
Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
2010. január 25 07:34:11
The boozer took careful aim at the bird, but hit a frog. He picked it up, studied it, scratched his head and said, “Well, anyhow I knocked its feathers off.”
2010. január 22 15:13:13
Nem tudom, hányan fogjátok megérteni, de beírom ide.
Mama are trei fiice și le mãritã pe rând. Apoi le scrie și le întreabã
cum se înțeleg cu soțul. Prima zice: Bergenbier. Mama nu înțelege la ce
se referã dar apoi vede reclama la TV: satisfacție pânã la ultima
picãturã. Mama se liniștește, fiica e ok... A doua fatã rãspunde tot
codat: Kent. Mama nu înțelege dar vede reclama cu "ultra long, ultra
strong " și se liniștește. A treia fatã scrie: British Airlines. Mama se
uitã la TV sã vadã reclama... și când o vede, leșinã: 7 zile din 7, de
trei ori pe zi, în toate direcțiile.
Én jelenleg is Romániában élek, így természetesen én is értettem a viccet 
, de amúgy ezt a viccet már olvastam 3 nyelven is (magyar, román, angol) szóval ennek megvan a "hivatalos" fordítása is. Azt hiszem, hogy picit másképp volt mindegyik verzió, de maga a vicc nagyon jó. De hogy ne csak pofázásból álljon a komment, jöjjön egy újabb adag kétsoros 
Q: Why were the little drops of ink crying?
A: Their mother was in the pen and they did not know how long her sentence would be.
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tep on the brake, tupid!
Q: What is the tallest building in our town?
A: The library. (It has the most stories.)
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
A: Dam!
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?
Q: What do you get when you have a cold dog?
A: Frostbite.
Q: How do you stop a dog from digging in your garden?
A: Take away his shovel.
Q: Why can Mount Everest hear everything you say?
A: Because it's covered with mountaineers.
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.
Beni, szerencsem volt, mert ezt mar ismertem korabban, igy a gugli-forditas utan mar be tudtam azonositani. Egy ismeretlen viccet persze lehet, hogy nem ertettem volna meg vele
Az anyának három lánya van és mindegyiket szerre férjhez adja. Azután ír nekik és megkérdi tőlük, hogy jönnek ki a férjjel. Az első mondja: Bergenbier. Az anya nem érti, mire vonatkozik, de aztán meglátja a TV-ben a reklámot: kielégülés az utolsó cseppig. Az anya lenyugszik, rendben van a lány... A második ugyanúgy kódolva válaszol: Kent. Az anya nem érti, de meglátja a reklámot az "ultra hosszú, ultra erős"-sel és lenyugszik. A harmadik lány írja: British Airways. Az anya megnézi a TV-ben a reklámot,... és amikor meglátja, elájul: 7 nap a 7-ből, háromszor naponta, minden irányba.
Segíteni segít, de nem fordít olyan jól, mint egy ember. Lefordíthatom normálisan, ha szeretnéd/szeretnétek.
2010. január 22 10:09:15
Next batch:
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: A big moron and a little moron are walking across a bridge when the big moron falls off. Why didn't the little moron fall off?
A: He was a little more on.
Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone without any dressing.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut !
A: Why did the boy balloon chase the girl balloon?
Q: Because he wanted to see her bust!
Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
A. In case he got a hole in one!
Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
2010. január 22 00:59:45
hat ez elsore nem biztos, hogy nyilvanvalo lesz, kicsit jatszani kell a kiejtessel, de aert remelem, lesz, akinek bejon. Ha kell segitseg, mad irok.
- Why there's no aspirin in the jungle?
- Beacause the parrots ate them all.
yeah i get this joke
but i knew it on another way :
Why are there no headaches in the jungle?
Because the parrots ate 'em all!
(if you read it fast it should sound paracetamol)
2010. január 21 17:50:06
Érti még valaki itt ezt a nyelvet? (Talán az idősebb korosztály...)
Родители посадили Вовочку учить уроки, а сами закрылись в комнате.Вовочка, заглянув в замочную скважину, сокрушенно качает головой:
- И эти люди запрещают мне ковыряться в носу!
Én erősen az idősebb korosztályba tartozom, el is tudtam olvasni, a betűkre még emlékszem, csak éppen érteni nem értem.
Éppen 20 éve fejeztem be az orosztanulást, és rá kellett jönnöm, hogy a jelentésen kívül nem emlékszem semmire, talán pár szó ugrik be...
Na jó...
A szülők leültették Vovocskát (olyan, mint a magyar Móricka... - kicka) leckét írni, ők maguk pedig bezárkóztak a szobába.
Vovocska, miközben a kulcslyukon kukucskál, ingatja a fejét és ezt mndja:
-- És még ezek az emberek tiltják meg nekem, hogy az orromban túrkáljak!?!Még várok egy kicsit, hátha valaki...
Ha mégsem, akkor lefordítom, megígérem... Még bízom az idősebb korosztályban....
2010. január 21 16:12:39
Nos, akkor közzé teszem az új adagot
Q: Why did the trafic signal turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Q: Why are baseball stadiums so cool?
A: There is a fan in every seat.
Q: What has thirteen hearts but no body and no soul?
A: A pack of playing cards.
Q: What's got a head and a tail, but no body?
A: A coin.
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate fighter?
A: Pork chops.
Q: Where does a boxer who weighs 135 kilograms sit on a bus?
A: Wherever he wants to.
Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short
Q. How many seconds are there in one year?
A. Twelve. January second, February second, March second...
Q: What did the undertaker die of?
A: Coughin'
Q: Why can't a nose be twelve inches?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
2010. január 19 23:40:27
Ha már idegen nyelvű viccek, miért ne keressünk olyanokat, amiket nem lehet lefordítani?
Pl.
- According to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
- Fünf.
- Two martinis, please.
- Dry?
- Nein, zwei!
Van még vagy 4 ilyen adag, de csak mértékkel adagolom, mert nagy mennyiségben veszít a hatásából 
És ha már a szóvicceknél tarunk, van itt még pár hasonló:
Q: Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window?
A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see the butterfly.
Q: Why did the man put the clock in the safe?
A: He wanted to save time.
Q: What did zero say to eight?
A: Nice belt.
Q: Why is the A like a flower?
A: Because the B is after it.
Q: "What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?"
A: "The C"
Q: Do you know why birds fly to south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk there.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He didn't have any body to take.
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Beacuse it saw the salad dressing!
Q: What are the two strongest days of the week?
A: They are Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weak days.
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
2010. január 19 08:25:34
ok, akkor folytatom, mar megijedtem, hogy mindenkit sikerult innen elriasztanom 
A
politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of
Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling
his eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.
"My dad died," the boy replied.
"That's terrible, when did it happen?"
"Five years ago," the boy said.
"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"
"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."
2010. január 17 20:23:55
2010. január 17 20:02:57
đz÷łÄ}÷ đ<đ*t <r ä f$rí$}Äł Đrß]ß<˘˘; Íttho} hä]>täĐ ä {ÍŁoТ˘
2010. január 13 19:42:47
bar ugy latom, mar csak en jarok ide, de azert beirom...
Two old-time political aides are walking through a shabby, overgrown cemetery, writing down names from the headstones.
One of the men works very fast, stopping only by upright stones where he can read the names clearly.
The other works deliberately, gone from one stone to the next, kneeling
down and clearing away the grass and wiping away the grime in order to
see the name clearly.
"Why are you spending so much time doing that?" the first man asked.
"I'll tell you," the second man said. "This is a free country with a
Constitution and everything. Each one of the people has as much right
as the next to cast his vote."
Csatlakozom. Mostanában időhiányból kifolyólag én is csak olvasni járok, de biztatásképp azért a jövőben egy-egy -t majd beszúrok.
nekem8, szeretem a vicceidet
2010. január 12 21:44:32
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What1ll be, boys?"
The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."
The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"
The third vampire says "Give me plasma."
The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."
An idiot called the airport for flight information. "How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver? he asked. "Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied. "Thank You" he said and hung up.
