Vicclap fórum téma:Idegen nyelvű viccek

His girlfriend had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racking along over seventy. "Doesn't speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?" she asked.
"Glad?" He raised an eyebrow. "Glad in not the word for it. I'm amazed."

A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. "We need a fourth for poker," the voice on the phone said. "I'll be right over," replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," he said gravely. "They've had to call in three other doctors as well."

.- Name? - Abu Dalah Sarafi. - Sex? - Four times a week. - No, no, no..... male or female? - Male, female...... sometimes camel.......

- Jaimito, ¿tú rezas antes de comer?

- No, señora, mi mamá es buena cocinera.

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- Doctor, creo que necesito vitaminas A y B.

- Está usted tan pálido que le voy a recetar todo el abecedario.

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- Camarero, ¡una mosca está nadando en esta sopa!

- Disculpe señor, pero se equivoca. Esta mosca no está nadando, esta muerta ya.

Un marido muy atento en el cine.

- ¿Tu silla es cómoda?

- Sí, cariño.

- ¿No hay corriente desde la puerta?

- No, cariño.

- Entonces, ¿vamos a cambiar?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQkhqu7GanM

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote

"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…it was the asphalt!”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.

No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service, the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.

Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track. The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn't start until 1:00 p.m.

Here are some more Q,A jokes. As usual, some of them are a little tiring, many of them are 18+, and almost all of them are evil...

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.

Here are some more Q,A jokes. As usual, some of them are a little tiring, many of them are 18+, and almost all of them are evil...

Q. What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A. Vomit

Q. How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
A. He fell off the ball washer!

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears.

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room

Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!

Q. What's a diaphragm?
A. A trampoline for dickheads.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Here are some more Q,A jokes. As usual, some of them are a little tiring, many of them are 18+, and almost all of them are evil...

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A. He didn't have any arms.

Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube.

Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A. The porn video has better music!

Q. Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A. Yeah, he woke up!

Q. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A. They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Q. Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A. So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the ass.

Q. Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
A. It's for the Christmas period.

Q. Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
A. They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled, with his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

18+

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks, "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals through out the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, expert."

Here are some Q,A jokes. Some of them are a little tiring, many of them are 18+, and almost all of them are evil...

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Here are some Q,A jokes. Some of them are a little tiring, many of them are 18+, and almost all of them are evil...

Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Here are some Q,A jokes. Some of them are a little tiring, many of them are 18+, and almost all of them are evil...

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.